I wanted to start this letter off by saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the hurtful things that I've said to you. I'm sorry for how much I've criticized the way that you look. When I look at you in the mirror, a lot of the time I've felt disappointed by what stared back at me. I'd turn, frown, pinch, grab, sigh. "If only this was better..." or, "I really hate this part of me..." or, "Why can't I just lose this gross fat?"
I'm sorry for the way I've spoken about you. I'm sorry for the way I've tried to cover you up from shame or embarassment. I'm sorry for the countless times I've compared you to other bodies, and always defaulting to, "she has a better body than mine..."
I'm sorry for the verbal and physical abuse I might have put you through. I'm sorry for not feeding you when you were hungry. I'm sorry for feeding you too much when I was sad. I'm sorry for using exercise as solely a means to fix you, because I always thought you needed to be fixed.
I just wanted to let you know that you don't need to be fixed.
In the past, I never allowed myself to get into a deep, loving relationship with you. Where we could life partners, in this together, instead of me against you, and you seemingly against me.
But I want that to change. First and foremost, I'm forgiving myself for all of the hurtful things I've said and done to you. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.
Next, I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Deeply and truly, I love you. I love that you're always there for me, every morning, without skipping a beat! You always get me up onto my feet. You carry me through every victory, through every defeat, through everything. You've been with me before I even opened my eyes.
You are more than just your how you look. You are my temple. With that said, I've accepted that how you present yourself to the world will be authentic to you, to us. And that's okay. All your bumps and lumps and blemishes make you unique, and it makes you mine. It makes us, us.
Despite our past difficulties, I love you. I'm sorry. I want to heal our relationship. I want to feed you well, to nourish you. I want to provide you with movement more regularly, something I know you've been craving for a long time. I want to work on my own mind & spirit so I can continue to foster a healthy, loving relationship with you. I want to improve myself, mind, body & soul, so I can feel whole again. So we can do this dance together. We can be in peace, and we can move through life in harmony, powerfully, gracefully, confidently.
And that starts with me. Moving forward, I'm making the decision to love you & nurture you, everyday.